Tabula Rasa...

Yesterday we found out that my cousin (more like my sister) is going to have a girl! I was so excited… I can just imagine all the spoiling that will occur. My niece Mel is now almost 10 years old so getting to spoil a tiny little baby is so exciting. Don’t be alarmed by that impetuous and extremely loud tick-tock you hear, it’s just my biological clock trying to kick start. The reality is I’m just not ready for my own little offspring, but the thought of nurturing ones that I can return to their parents as soon as they start to poop, puke and cry is so sweet and adorable to me.

As I was walking the toy section at Target trying to find didactic toys for little baby girl’s big brother, Peter, I started to imagine what she would look like, will her personality be anything like her brother’s, will she look more like her dad than our family? Then an overwhelming thought crept into my head and it’s what my great-grandma used to tell me, that girls will always suffer more than boys. I was the only one of the new generation who got to spend the most time with my great-gran, by the way. She was a firecracker that one. She was always so loving and tender. I feel lucky to have gotten 5 whole years of her company. My cousins didn’t get to build memories with her and that’s a huge shame for them. Anyway, back to the overwhelming thought… I realized this baby girl gets to start off fresh and all I want to do is help her parents protect her… I realized… how hard bringing me up must have been for my mother. I was a tough kid to raise. I was challenging and hard headed and rude and temperamental. I never did anything the easy way. Never! I got kicked out of so many schools, made her spend so much money on tuitions, got into so much trouble because of my problems with authority.

Now, that’s not to say I was juvenile delinquent either… but I just wasn’t easy to live with. My mom and my brother put up with a lot! And I do mean A LOT of shit! So all this got me to thinking about what I would say to my younger self. The 11 year old girl who was starting to form into the 30 year old woman I am today and here is what I came up with:

Hey little Caro,

I know things seem kind of crazy right now; mom has been talking about leaving the States and moving back to Colombia. I know you cry at night because you will miss your school and your friends. You were so looking forward to moving into the new school to start your 6th grade adventure. Believe me kid, its not that important. In a couple of years you are going to find a school where you will feel like you belong. The experience will be unforgettable and you will be so grateful you got to live it outside the US. It will make you appreciate life better.

I know you are angry now and you have never been able to deal with that anger because Mom and Dad have always been kind of closed off. It doesn’t mean you have to be like them. Dad was wrong for distancing himself from you and his decision will take a toll on your love life as an adult… you will eventually start a path of forgiveness with him, but if you can… try to start it now. You have to be the bigger person and you will be doing this in many aspects of your life so just open yourself up to it now. He did what he knew how to do and it hurts, but in the long run you weren’t born to live by his side. He is a great man and does great things for the world… but he never got the love he deserved growing up, so try to understand him too. Once you get closer to him you will open yourself up to finding the right man in your life... your Prince Eric. *SIGH*

I know mom is pretty hard on you right now; she treats you like an adult even though all you want to be is a kid. In about five years she will realize all the mistakes she has made when it comes to being your mother… try to listen to her when she asks you for forgiveness… it will save you so much time in the whole journey of finding yourself. I know that when she says things you don’t want to listen because they come from her… but guess what, most of the time she is right!!! In the future she will be one of your best friends and you will treasure each moment you get to sit up with her and talk about your day.

Because of the way mom treats you, you will turn around and be very very hard on your little brother. It’s not his fault. He is just a little kid who looks up to you whether you believe it or not. Soon you will find that even though you are the bigger sister you feel protected when he is around… especially when you are scared and you don’t know why. Treat him well… he is probably one of the longest relationships you will have in your life. After mom is gone you will still have each other, so try to be nice. Please!

I know it seems like its you against the world sometimes, kiddo… but trust me when I tell you, you will find the people who will be your friends for life. You will meet a man who understands you the way no other human being can… you can be honest and real with him. He will help guide you through adulthood the way Mom tried to guide you through your childhood. He will become like family to you and you will cherish him. He will be your true friend! Not to mention that you will realize, that the people you need the most are the ones who are already in your life… the people who have grown up along with you. They will be your biggest support system. The ones who know you at your best, but most importantly at your worst… they love you not because of you attributes, but despite your flaws. Those are the people who will honor the loyalty you are always willing to give.

Others will come and go and you will learn from them, as well as teach them… but be very careful because there will be people who are going to try and break you. You are a very special girl, Caro. There aren’t many like you out there. I know mom and Grandma tell you this all the time... but it’s so true. You will find people who admire you and people who just want to see you fail. Do not let them take your light away from you. And when they get close enough to do so… don’t close your heart up all the way. That would only mean they have won. Don’t believe people when they tell you art is a waste of time. Do it! Do what makes you happy! Only you can hold yourself back. Keep sculpting, keep painting, keep dancing, keep dreaming… even Mom is wrong when she says you need to find a real vocation… that IS your real vocation!!!

Most importantly… just live! Open your heart to all that the world has to offer. Be willing to give all that love you have to others. Don’t let your heart forget how to love freely. You are not a selfish person so don’t let the actions of others make you believe that that is the right way to be… it goes against your nature and you know it! You are right to stand your ground when you decide not to do drugs or other things just to fit in… don’t ever second guess your decision… you are the one who is in the right.

Ok little Caro… let me wrap this up because I am sure you are dying to get back to watching Saved by the Bell… Mark Paul Gosselaar is still hot in the future by the way, so WooHoo!!! Keep being a kid… that is how we will always be despite the reasonability that comes with being an adult… you will always be a kid on the inside… that will be one of your best attributes and it’s how you will survive the craziness that is life!

Love,

Future Caro

P.S.: Try not to eat out of boredom… please!!!

Run Caro, Run!

Hello all,

As most of you know about a year ago I started a journey to change my life and one of my ultimate goals which goes beyond my weight loss was to finish a triathlon... well both those goals have proven to be harder to achieve then I thought. Along the way there has been an amazing amount of self discovery and emotional healing which has enabled me to keep fight my own small uphill battle.

In looking for a support as far as triathlon training I ran into an organization called Team In Training. They help athletes train for marathons, triathlons, century rides and hiking adventures all while raising funds for blood cancer research. Once I read what they were all about I felt at home! Fortunately for me no one in my family has suffered the pain of losing or dealing with cancer.

But about six months ago a dear old friend of mine sent me an email announcing that her three year old son Joaquin had been diagnosed with Leukemia. It was a sad day for all who have had the honor and pleasure of knowing Joaquin's parents (I went to high school with both of them). So it was then I decided that I will be taking part in Disneys Princess 1/2 Marathon in Orlando, Florida in March 2010. I figured it's a good way to honor my dear friends and to find my footing in the world of racing.

I know, I know, 13.1 miles sounds like a whole lot to take on, but it's for an important cause.



Now, Im not trying to get all Sally Struthers on you guys but look at that beautiful face! I will be thinking about him every time I want to just give up, sit down and have some one fetch me some lemonade.

I cannot even imagine the amount of strength it takes to battle cancer and still be a happy child all before even thinking about starting kindergarten.

The LLS's mission is to cure leukemia, lymphoma, Hodgkin's disease and Myeloma, and improve the quality of life of patients and their families. The bad news is that there is no known cure. Leukemia remains a leading cause of cancer-related death in children. Every four minutes, someone is newly diagnosed with a blood cancer, and 894,543 Americans are presently living with leukemia, lymphoma, Hodgkin's disease, or Myeloma. However, the good news is that in 1960, the five-year survival rate for children with the most common form of Leukemia was just 4% and today it is 85%.

Running a marathon is only my physical commitment to this cause. My principle goal is to raise $2,500 to support the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. Listen guys, I know times are tough right now but I need your support!

If you can please make a donation to support my participation in Team in Training and help advance the Society's mission. Whatever you can will help and don't get intimidated but the amounts on the page if all you can donate is $3, $5, $10 its all welcomed with so much love and appreciation! It all adds up in the end.

I hope you'll visit my website(s) often. Be sure to check back frequently to see my progress. I will be posting little video updates to put my four years of film school to good use!

If you have already donated thank you once again... but can you please forward this to your friends? I need all the help I can get.

Thank you so much for your support!

Click here to donate:


http://pages.teamintraining.org/sfl/dipihalf10/CaroGonzalez

Caro

Taking the first in confidence!

'Keep your silicone I prefer my own...'

I first heard this song well over 7 years ago... I love that Adele joined India Arie in this performance. I am a huge Adele fan... so for those of you who didn't get to watch the DIVAS special on VH1 here it is... and for those who did see it... its well worth a second viewing. Check it out!

VH1 TV Shows | Music Videos | Celebrity Photos | News & Gossip

I am the Oak Tree bursting out of the Acorn.

I couldn’t even tell you how many times I’ve written this blog in my mind... Every day as I drive to work, make copies, watch a movie or brush my teeth I think of a good way to admit my personal failure to the world. I end up taking the mental note in my minds hand, scrunching it up, throwing it into my mental recycle bin and then quickly clicking on 'EMPTY TRASH'. I’ve tried funny approaches, sad approaches or just any approach that would get people to empathize with me and say ‘it’s ok Caro… there is always next time’. But in reality… they were all just excuses.

For the past three months I have been completely and utterly off the wagon… I have been struggling for the past 5 to be honest. I haven’t been training for the past 2. I see the countdown clock on my desktop every morning and it only adds to my internal anguish. This competition is now a month away and I have to honestly say I am not even 0.001% ready. It’s true, I’m not where I was a year ago… but I’m not where I should be… where I hoped and planned to be by now. The truth is I can see what is happening… I see myself going back to my old tendencies. I know what needs to be done… the actions that need to be taken in order for me to achieve what I want to achieve. Yet, I can’t bring myself to doing it. I have so many people that believe in me. So much love and support! So why can’t I feed on that? Why can’t that be the fuel that ignites my fire… that calms my anxiety? Why can’t I figure this out? And while we are at it… why do fools fall in love?

A couple of months ago there was a boy… long story short there were new and unidentified feelings for me… things I didn’t know how to handle. It ended, I cried, my heart was semi broken. This situation was the catalyst for soooo many other emotional realizations… things I thought had been dealt with but obviously haven’t been. Then something happened. A door opened as that chapter in my life closed. A door to all these feelings and insecurities and emotions that had been shoved into seclusion ever since I was a kid, it was actually more like a hidden labyrinth now that I think about it. My best friend told me I was sad because I was mourning something that had been a part of me for so long. It makes so much sense. Still… now that I have stitched my heart up and am steadily navigating through these 15 foot labyrinth walls while taking on my hang ups with my shinny new Hantori Hanso sword … why am I still in this funk? Is this what those depression commercials with the ladies in those hideous gray sweats refer to? Should I go out and buy some grey sweats? No actually, I think I’ll stick to my Tinkerbell PJ’s thank you very much!

I keep thinking I need change in my life… but I know I have to be the one to instigate that change. I will not be competing in next months Tri…and I am sorry if I let my brother, my friends or my family down…. but it’s not something I am giving up on. This will happen. I will make it happen. I have faith in that. I just need to figure out where those fucking bootstraps are so I can yank on those motherfuckers!

I want to highly recommend this movie to you guys! Not only does it give you bang for your buck with its good action sequences, good acting and great CGI but it also makes you think about how we treat each other and how wrong we are as far as coexisting. Just imagine... if we treat each other and animals the way we do... where is this world gonna end up?

Check it out and let me know what you guys think!

:)

Hey yo, I did some things but that's the old me!

For approximately the past 14 days, I have thrown caution to the wind; I have shut my inner voice off and set aside everything Charles has taught me. I have been eating like CRAZY… chocolate, burgers, ice cream… drinking coke, that delicious lemonade from the mall, you get the idea. I have gained 5 lbs… count them, 1…2…3…4…5 lbs!!! Yesterday I got back on my regiment as far as eating and today I got back in the pool. I knew what I was doing, I know the comfort I was looking for, but I just couldn’t stop myself. I refuse to go back to my old ways! In the past I would of let these 14 days dictate my course from here on out. No more! I know a lot of you have been on this same boat time and time again… we cannot let these feelings beat us!!! We are so much stronger then that. Mind over matter right? It’s easier said than done… but the important thing is that it can be done.

My friends and I switch our Sunday games from kickball to flag football… so much fun!!! But one of our best players already got injured… granted, he plays on the opposing team… but it still sucks to see him hurt =/.

We are thinking of starting our own little sports league… I’ll keep you guys posted!

=D

Who is Wonder Woman?

My friends Ani & Jesus are HUGE Wonder Woman fans... She wrote this cool little article about what WW means to her... check it out!

Who is Wonder Woman? A question that took me 28 years to learn….

Wonder Woman, Love and Murder (comic book series): Questions like: “Who am I?”
How come the one thing that should be obvious to all of us is the one thing we spend our entire lives trying to figure out?

It’s a question I once asked myself. It started with a book my uncle lent me to read, in the book Wonder Woman forgets she’s WW (ironic you may think). Shortly after the book my uncle gave me a Wonder Woman doll for my 28th birthday. I will never forget the words he whispered, I give you this doll because one day you will realize that you are Wonder Woman. For 28 years I had forgotten or may I say I never realized that the person I was looking at in the mirror was WW and though the mirror still gets foggy I try to remember to wipe it and look at the Amazon that stands before it. It was William Moulton, Wonder Woman’s writer and creator that saw through the hearts of women, not only because he was emotionally intelligent but spiritually intelligent (as my friend Caro would say). Then came a writer like Jodi Picoult who showed us that WW is not a God but a person that makes mistakes, that reacts and sometimes feels lost but faces adversity and realizes that what she thought was right at that time may not be right now. But most of all realizes that mistakes are a fact of life and it is the response to error that counts (in the words of Nikki Giovanni). In simplest terms she is wise because she realizes that she has much to learn and can turn a wound into wisdom (as Oprah said), intelligent because she knows she cannot change others, for change is within herself, strong because she’s able to make those changes and see herself for exactly the person she is and love herself regardless. She is honest with others and honest with herself, brave, because she stands for what she believes in and a hero because she inspires others by just being who she is. Wonder Woman is much more than just a comic book character, she is a
super-hero that believes in “liberty and freedom for all women kind“. WW is within all of us, most find it too difficult to let her out but as my hero once said, we become the majority because it’s easier than being the minority.

I started writing this article because in truth I was tired of the idea most people had of Wonder Woman and I wanted to educate them. As I finished the article I realized that what I really want to do is inspire women. As Gloria Steinem once wrote, “perhaps that’s the appeal of Wonder Woman.” It’s not only a child’s need for a lost independence, but an adult’s need for a lost balance between women and men, between humans and nature. However simplified, that is Wonder Woman’s message: Remember Our Power Sisters.

Here's looking at you, kid!

I’ve never been a mushy girl, affectionate on occasions yes, but never mushy. I’m not one to go around hugging people or telling just anyone that I love them. I think the people closest to me can attest to the fact that I show my affection mostly through actions and not words. Lately I have been working on that and once in a while I will verbalize my feelings for others. So, y’all know how much I love my brother and how special he is to me, even though in the past he has thought I didn’t like him much, it wasn’t the truth. Growing up I was always annoyed by him as a big sister usually is, then when I was in my late teens and he was in his early teens, I inevitably became a parental figure… that responsibility was thrust upon me, not by any malicious acts on behalf of my mother, it’s just the way things worked out. I found myself taking care of situations and issues that weren’t mine to take care of, and eventually those things hardened me up. I have to admit I am not very proud of the way I used to treat and talk to people (especially those nearest to my heart). But somehow they always remained at my side and supported me through all my endeavors. I guess in a way they always knew that I was hard on them because I love them so much. Still... it doesn’t excuse my behavior, and for that I have apologized to every single one of them. I’ve since turned to comedy when things get too mushy and real, but I figure its better then just shutting people down when they are being sincere. Sometimes I feel like an apology hasn’t been enough and feel guilty all over again… then people do things for me that make me understand what real love is. When someone can over look all your bad traits and still love you the way my family and true friends love me, then it makes me realize that there might be something to this greatness everyone keeps talking about.

That being said, I have always without a doubt or hesitation been willing to give my life for my brother, through the good and the bad. I think part of that hard attitude was my way of protecting him from the world. So you can understand why him going off to war was such a hard thing for me to deal with. It’s hard for all military families, really. Believe me, I have three soldiers in mine! I guess for me it stemmed from that need to keep him safe. You see, it’s always just been the three of us (my mom, my brother and I), so I am very protective of them. (Don’t even get me started on when he would bring some new trollop all up in my house!) This is why I am so touched every time you guys write to me to tell me that my brother, as well as all the other soldiers in his platoon, are in your prayers. I’ve said this before and I will say it again, no matter what your views on this senseless war are, no matter if you are a republican, a democrat, a liberal or if you don’t give a flying raccoon’s ass about any political issue, you must respect what these men and women are doing. They are fighting for something they believe in (most of them anyway), they do it with pride and with their head held high and that is very respectable. Volunteering to join the military at a time of war takes a lot of courage! Point blank!

This is one of the things that motivated me to finally go through with fulfilling my dream of finishing a triathlon. And now thanks to my little brother (he paid for my registration) I will do it on October 18th, 2009. He sent me the following message yesterday after I was registered:

“This is cake for you, Caro. All you have to do is make the person in front of you your finish line, then once you have passed them you do the same with the others until you finish! This is nothing for you!!!”

That is all the motivation I need to own this bitch! I have a great training partner and all the support a girl could wish for. So here I go guys, 137 days ‘till T-day!!!

I'll have a new post up today...

Wait for it... waaaaaiiit for it...

Chill bitches, its coming! <3

Me? A reality show? Is it gonna be humiliating? Fine, where do I sign up?

So, by now a lot of you have seen my episode of SYL, heck I even got recognized at Wal-Mart, HE-EY! All joking aside I must admit this has been a whirlwind experience… I had a small group of family and friends over to watch the premier of my episode and it was so much fun! We laughed, we cried and then we hugged it out, bitch! But let me tell you about a couple of things you didn’t get to see on TV!

Since I have a couple of points I want to talk to you about… I am making this behind the scenes blog a multi entry type of deal, here’s the first part.

#1 THE INTERVENTION!
First of all… who goes “candy shopping”??? I love how Charles goes “I happen to know that Caro and her mom will be candy shopping today”. What? When have I ever done that? Seriously, it’s hilarious! What really happened was that my mother was aware of the fact that I had been cast on the show and with the help of the lovely Geraldine (one of the associate producers of the show) she came up with this elaborate scheme to get me over to the Fresh Market where we were allegedly “candy shopping”.

My intervention was on a Friday, the Wednesday prior to that my mom got a call from Geraldine telling her I had been cast and that she would be coming by later on that day, hopefully when I wasn’t around, to go over some details. I was downstairs when my mother got the phone call, so when I came upstairs I noticed my Ma was looking at me with that doe eyed I’m-so-proud-of-you look only a mother can give you (clue #1), so instantly I was like… “What’s wrong?!”. Since I was scheduled to have a meeting with the executive producers of SYL that coming Friday, she told me she just had a feeling everything was gonna go great for me. Mhmm.

Come Friday morning I wake up bright eyed and bushy tailed for my supposed interview with the executive producers of the show. I take my time getting ready, too. I washed my hair, put on my make up and picked out the right clothes, all the while being surrounded by cute animated woodland creatures and the slight hint of Ariel’s voice singing in the back ground (the melody she sings when Ursula is taking away her voice, not the one about the "treasures" in her "cavern"). Then, 90 minutes before my meeting, I get a phone call from my cousin Dianna… her car broke down while she was getting some stuff for her boss and she needed to get back to the hospital immediately. I called my uncles, my cousin; even my aunt and they were all “busy”. Hell, my aunt didn’t even bother to answer, so it was once again up to me to come to the rescue! I was PISSED! Instantly my bright Disney-esque morning started gathering clouds in the horizon. My mom offered to come with me so I would clam down. As I was walking out the door my Grandma goes… “Why don’t you wear something other than those flip-flops?” (clue #2). I said bye and shut the door.

I waited in the car for about 5 minutes and started honking the horn for my mother to hurry up, she came down with a back pack and when I asked her what the hell that was for she couldn’t give me a straight answer (clue #3), I was so frustrated I didn’t even care at that point. The whole drive from my house to Aventura I was bitching about how people only call me when they need me, how today was an important day for me, how I better not be late or they will ALL have hell to pay, etc… then I remembered that the week before Dianna had been in a minor car accident and she had a rental… why wasn’t the rental company picking her up and resolving this issue, this made me even more frustrated! About halfway there, my phone rings and it turned out to be my brother, I was so happy to hear from him that my mood instantly lit up. I noticed my mom was being kind of cryptic… I guess she wanted to tell him but obviously couldn’t and since we didn’t know when we would hear from him again… it was a bitter sweet moment for her. As soon as my Ma hangs up my cell, my aunt calls me and says… “Hey, don’t forget to put on some lipstick.” (Clue #4) That was the least of my worries at that point.

We finally make it to the Fresh Market and my mother’s cell rings; it was “Dianna” telling her to come inside for a bite to eat. Um… wasn’t this bitch in a rush? We get inside and my mother starts wondering aimlessly around the store, as if this was her first time off the farm and into the big city… so I kept walking behind her saying things like, “MA! What is wrong with you? Now is not the time!” all while scoping the store for Dianna. Once I went around the third time I called her and this is how the conversation went down:

Dianna: Hello?
Caro: Dude, where the “F” are you?
Dianna: (Silence)
Caro: HELLLLOOOO?
Dianna: Uh… where are you?
Caro: I’m in the store… Where are YOU?
Dianna: By the pharmacy (CLICK)

Yes, that trollop just went ahead and hung up on me! There is no Pharmacy at Fresh Market (Clue #5), so I went to the cashier and asked where there was a pharmacy in that shopping center, she looked at me like I was crazy. At this point my mom had made her way to the candy section of the store. I saw her from where I was standing, which was by the front door, so I started gesturing for us to leave and she just stood there by a girl with a sample tray full of candy. As if she had NEVER in her life seen free candy… it was so odd. She kept waving for me to come over while I kept madly gesturing NO! This exchange continued for about a minute until I finally went over. I stood there looking at her and said hi to the candy girl (who turned out to be Geraldine), then my mom goes “Coje” which means “take some” in Spanish... the funny thing is you can actually hear her saying it on the show!!! So I finally gave in and took a candy sample and that’s when Charles and the crew ambushed me.

I have to tell you, it was such an overwhelming moment! Not only did I know this was one of those moments where your life is about to change, and I mean really change, because we are constantly changing and evolving, but those are very subtle changes. This was one of these life altering moments, a moment where I knew there was going to be a before and an after, so while Charles was talking… I was playing back everything that had happened that morning, the whole sequence of events that had taken place in order for me to end up at that store, and at that moment I felt something I had never felt before, overwhelming love. I realized how elaborate the plan had been, how they were all in on it and how they each did their part to make sure I was surprised. How my Ma had to put so many pieces into play in order to fool me, which isn’t an easy task. How she had probably called my cousin Jules to get my best friend Jesus’ number so he could tell her where that Fresh Market was. How Jesus’ had called his niece (and my friend) Ani so she could give my Ma the directions, because Ani’s just better at that (that’s something Jesus would say). How Dianna had to think on her feet, even though I probably made her nervous. How my Grandmother wanted me to wear nicer shoes, so I would look my best. How my aunt didn’t want me to look pale on T.V., just in case the love of my life happened to watch the show. But most importantly, how had he called 20 minutes earlier, my Ma would’ve been able to share our joy with my brother.

So, yes for those of you who have written to me and told me how genuine my reaction seemed… it’s because it was! I was so surprised. I never thought I would be caught off guard… they all did a great job. I get teary eyed remembering it. Such an amazing moment in my life!!!

Next blog: #2 The “TWAlet” paper debacle of 2008. Patsy, Jesus and I gorge on candy.

I want to save your life, Caro!

Check back later today for my episode review!

Wakey, wakey, eggs and bakey!

One of the hardest things for me my ENTIRE life has been waking up early. It is like torture! When I was a kid every morning was like one of those UFC fights with my mom when she came into my room letting me know it was time for school. Tears were shed, hair was pulled, asses were whooped… every… morning! She would make me go to sleep extra early so that I would be “ready” to wake up on time, she gave me chamomile before bed so I would be well rested and relaxed in the morning, and she would take us to parks after school so we could get so exhausted we would pass out early thus waking up eager… nothing worked. One day she took me to this new age flower child therapist friend of hers and the woman said that maybe at birth I had been pulled from the comfort of my mother’s womb too soon or traumatically and THAT’S why waking up is sooo hard. Yeah. I don’t know. I’m almost 30 now (eeek) and I still have a hate/hate relationship with my alarm clock. I spoke to a doctor recently and she told me it takes 21 days to break a habit. In 21 days the body no longer needs that habit, so the mind starts to discard it from its thought process. Sounds interesting, right? My logic is... if in 21 days you get rid of an old habit, then you form a new (hopefully better) one to replace it. So what I need to do is FORM a new habit. Well, I am willing to give it a try. Starting tomorrow I am going to start my 21 days of waking up at 5:30 a.m. so I can go to the gym before work, the way I’m supposed to. Let’s see if this lasts longer then the time I tried to do the master cleanse… I got four hours into it and then just poured that devil juice down the drain! Wish me luck!

Only 4 days to go

The good people over at WEtv and SYL asked me to write a couple of blogs about my experience on this interesting journey....


Entry 1: Give me a place to ‘run’ and I can move the world...

So it’s been a week since Charles and the cameras left. I feel like a completely different person… I talked to an old friend a couple of nights ago and he told me he also felt like he was talking to a different person because I told him more about myself in the three-hour conversation we had then in the last six years. It’s weird how freeing it is to actually be vulnerable with the ones you love. I’m not saying I feel capable of being this vulnerable when any Joe Blow on the street, but its cool to give the people you love ( and who love you) a little bit of insight as to why you’ve acted the way you’ve acted in the past. He told me it made him understand so many things about me. The most interesting thing was how he started to open up to me about his own battle with being overweight. The more open and genuine I was the more he opened up.

I feel like this show came at such a pivotal time in my life because I am ready to change my life and I feel like so many people around me will benefit from this experience. It wasn’t easy to get to this point and it wasn’t a coincidence either. I feel like everything that is happening to me right now was a long time coming and it was Oprah’s definition of luck: "Opportunity meeting Preparation." There was a point in my life where I hit rock bottom. I was depressed and even suicidal. I was about to lose my home (TWICE). I had alienated my closest friends. I wasn’t communicating with my family. I lost my beloved dog…and that’s when everything started to unfold. I realized that the world wasn’t at fault…I was! It took two-and-a-half years after I hit that bottom for me to crawl back up and be ready for this opportunity. It took a lot of self evaluation, a lot of tears and confronting so many fears I didn’t even know existed...but here I am.

I get up every morning so ready to GO! There are times when my old self tries to creep in and make me feel lazy… but I look at how far I have come and so much I have been able to heal, that it makes no sense for me not to give it all I have. The first 20 minutes of every workout are dreadful but once that 36-minute mark hits I feel like I can go another hour or so. Even when I do my workouts with the trainers, I leave feeling like I could go run a couple of miles. Whenever I feel like quitting I think about that triathlon and I remind myself that none of those people are quitters and if I want to join their ranks I need to “man” up, and I keep going. I think about the tri-athletes who compete (and finish) with a missing limb and it feels like a waste of a healthy body not to try. I feel so much stronger, tougher and agile then I did a week ago ( Inside and out! ) and it’s the most amazing feeling in the world… its like a door to this new dimension has opened up and the funny thing is it was right in front of me the whole time! Now there are new experiences at every turn and the possibilities are endless...

Peace,
Caro

Entry 2: Tough long road vs. the quicker fix (or so they think)…

I recently befriended a girl who was morbidly obese in her late teens. Her mother forced her to get a gastric bypass because she feared her daughter would die. It was so interesting to find a thin person who understood my battle with that urge to eat in order to feel comforted. I started telling her how since I started the show I have this unknown internal voice that screams at me every time I wanted to get out of control. It’s the only way I can stop myself from eating something I enjoy. It’s the only way I’ve been able to resist even looking at a pizza pie. You see…I know very well that the moment I bite into that first slice I’m going to want to eat the whole pie!!! I know better and I know I shouldn’t but I still don’t trust myself to stop after that first slice. Is this how junkies feel? Seriously… is it? It’s a horrible feeling, let me tell you!

Anyway, through this new friendship of mine I realized how important it is to be mentally ready to make a change, whether you are an over eater, an alcoholic or a drug-addict. If you are not mentally willing to stop, you will always have that nasty urge and you might never get over it, you will most likely relapse time and again. I went to a party with my new found friend and of course the temptation that is the food table instantly made me start that now familiar battle with myself. That’s where the new little voice came into play (maybe I should see a shrink) as I was scouting the table for what I wanted to eat and what I actually could eat, I started to eliminate the potatoes salads with all their mayo glory, the hummus with its crunchy pita chips, the chocolate dip that called out to me like one of those enchanted sirens who called out to Hercules (SIGH). I served myself some green salad and two turkey burgers (no bread) and when I was done I was satisfied, not only my hunger but also emotionally, I felt proud for having resisted the temptation. I must admit I did eat half a brownie. But my friend served herself everything that she could get her hands on. She had a look of desperation on her face… that’s when I realized… were she to have the surgery reversed she would gain the 160 lbs she previously lost, in a matter of months if not weeks. She obviously wasn’t able to eat the whole mountain of food she had on her plate, but she sure did try. She ended up with a horrible stomach ache. I wonder if she will ever deal with the reason why food is comforting for her or why she has the urge to keep eating even when she is in pain.

I know I’ve said this in the past and at the risk of sounding repetitive, this is why I am so grateful for this opportunity. I know exactly why I ate to comfort myself and when I see myself trying to hide behind those feelings or tendencies I pull myself out of it because now my life has a new purpose and I do not need to fall back. I have had times where I might have eaten one too many fudgesicles, but I have learned that I have to forgive myself for when I have a setback… because I am worth it! If I don’t care enough about myself to get over a small hurdle like that then who will?

P.S: I’m not knocking the gastric bypass or surgeries of that nature; I just think people should go through all the necessary mental counseling before they go through with it.

Love,
Caro

Entry 3: It takes a village to get me in a wetsuit (or it used to)…

When I set out to do a triathlon I never thought the whole process was going to be so intimidating. Apart from having to get my body up to par with the fitness a challenge like that requires I now have to start getting in mental shape. For instance, my eternal fear of making a fool of myself, I wouldn’t be able to explain this fear to you guys since I am the silliest person I know. Well, honestly I sometimes come off as super serious but once people get to know me they discover the silliness that is the real Caro…so anyway back to the swimming, biking and running all while wearing what seems to me like extremely unflattering/tight clothes. It’s funny that what intimidates me is the fact that I might not look as good as Dara Torres looks in a swimsuit and not the fact that I might fall off my bike at high speeds and shatter my teeth. Or maybe the possibility of twisting an ankle/knee while running. Not one of those things scare me…it’s the self consciousness of having to bare wobbly parts in public. These types of insecurities are what have stopped me from doing most of the things I have dreamed of doing in my life… BUT NO MORE, I say!

Do you know how much it took to get me in a swimsuit and a wetsuit for the show? It was an hour of struggling, not only with that wretched wet suit in the ghastly humidity of Miami, but also struggling with my urge to run away and hide under my bed. The thought of having to walk out in a suit that accentuates all my bumps and rolls was intimidating… mind you I wasn’t thinking about the thousands, nay, millions of people who watch WE tv (had I thought about it at the time I would’ve passed out) I was thinking about the 10 people from the crew who would be the audience to my exit from that dressing room (it was actually a stinky bathroom). They were the nicest people in the world so I really don’t know why I was stressing. I have to admit once it was over I felt a little silly for stressing over something so petty…or so I though! Three days later they asked to don a bathing suit! This time the little protection I felt from the miles and miles of material that covered my body when I wore the wet suit were gone. Now I had to bare even more in front of a national audience AND the crew. Wearing triathlete garb can’t be as bad as that, right?

Hoping for the best,

Caro

The countdown begins!!!

My episode of I WANT TO SAVE YOUR LIFE airs THIS saturday @ 10pm on WEtv!!! Dont miss it.... Also, tune in to this blog on Monday for a behind the scenes summery of what REALLY happened ;)

An ode to the Body...

This morning I woke up to CNN reporting about the first facial transplant in the US. The woman’s name is Connie Culp… in the press conference she said “I’m not a monster”. After everything she has been through she is just grateful to have a nose again, to be able to drink coffee from a cup. Drink coffee from a cup… how often have we taken that for granted? After her conference was over I changed the channel and walked over to the sink to brush my teeth, I looked in the mirror at all the flaws and imperfections I notice and point out to myself everyday, and suddenly they were gone. Left behind was a body and a face full of life…full of beauty. A body covered with the scars of a life's worth of overindulgence, but a body humble enough to keep on beating, to keep on breathing. It’s the body that lets me swim, run, kick, tackle, stretch, MOVE!!! It’s a body that gives pleasure and is overwhelmed with pleasure when caressed correctly. These stitched up knees, chin and forehead reflect the battle scars of a happy and overactive childhood. The legs I sometimes say are too short, are the legs that let me get to where I want or need to be. They respond with harder kicks every time I freak out in the swimming pool because I think I’m going to be devoured by a sea monster in 15 feet of chlorinated water. These are the arms that get to hug my brother when he comes home ( and punch him when he has stayed for too long and starts to annoy me) these are the arms that got to hold my nephew Peter before anyone else (except his mom) while he was still warm from his mommy’s womb…. These arms, stretch marks, batwings and all. There is no way to express how grateful I felt to this body this morning, grateful for putting up with years of mal nutrition and mindless abuse and still having the capability of responding so effectively to change. Sure, most parts are still very flabby and fat… but everyday it gets stronger and stronger and shows me its gratitude by letting me achieve new physical goals. Mine is a body full of perfection!

First post "Save Your Life" Photoshoot...

My great friend Diana Larrea took some aweome pics of me this past weekend... let me know what you think :)

Y VOLAR COMO MARIPOSAAAAA

This has to be the catchiest song from a movie I have heard in a long time! I saw the film about a week ago and I’m still singing it… so here it is so it can get stuck in your head :D Enjoy!

From the Woody Allen film Vicky Cristina Barcelona

“Barcelona” by Guilia y los Tellarini

You are NOT the biggest loser...

Did y’all see The Biggest Loser last night? So sad! I know Carla deserved to be in the game… she wanted it so much. Joelle on the other hand was clearly the one who was dragged into it or came on the show just to be on TV or just couldn’t say no to her friend. She isn’t (or wasn’t at the time of the taping) mentally ready for the change. It must have felt horrible when everyone wrote JOELLE in huge ass letters and Carla in tiny little letters like saying, ‘just eliminate that other bitch’. At the end it said they haven’t spoken since they left the ranch… that’s the sad part for me. I went through this with a friend of mine… I got mad at her for letting me down, but even madder for letting herself down. We discussed the problems we were having and then broke ties as far as the weight loss situation, but at the end we remain friends and now that I'm no my own journey I help her out whenever SHE reaches out to me. I don’t push her to go to the gym with me anymore… I let her be. That way when she is mentally and emotionally read for her lifestyle change she knows I will support her. It’s cliché but… without figuring out why you've self sabotaged for so many years and why you have let yourself get to “this” point… then you cannot move forward. Even then it’s still hard to move forward… but at least you know that you can forgive yourself for any relapse because you are worth it… no one will care for you as much as you do!!! Can I get an AMEN! LOL. No but seriously… OMG have you guys seen DIETRIBE? I hope our show is better! I hope I don’t look like a total buffoon either… EEK!

Hello Gentle Readers...

So here it is… I stare at this blank page with so much hesitation. For years now I have wanted to start a blog… I was stupidly discouraged by a comment someone made to me, this woman I used to work with said: "Huh! You really think people are gonna care about what you have to say?"… She said it in the nicest tone and with a little smile on her face which indicated how naïve I was being (that same smile certain people had on when they would tell me that Obama was never gonna win! YES WE DID BITCHESSSS!). That was it. That ridiculous comment from someone who in hindsight I realize was so frustrated with HER life and the fact that no one cared what SHE had to say.

Anywhooooo… here I am today, opening up to you… to the world! Its scary, but its part of this new life I intend on living. You guys will soon know a little more about me thanks to an upcoming show on WEtv called "I want to save your life" which premiers on April 25th, 2009. Thanks to the show I was given the opportunity to change my bad habits and start the life I had always wanted to live… with the help of professionals of course! I was assigned two kick ass personal trainers and an awesome life coach/nutritionist/published author/all around multitasker named Charles Platkin. With their help I am on my way towards regaining control of my life, losing about 100lbs and finishing a Triathlon, all while dealing with all the bullshit adult life throws at you. On the show you will see the results of about 100 days of working out and eating right... it's been daunting to me how little 100 days actually are. Time seems to shrink when you are given a deadline for national TV. Yikes!!!

So welcome to my little corner of the cyber-verse… I must warn you guys that these here words and opinions are mine and only mine and that if you are offended and/or disturbed by them, then you are more then welcome to (in the words of SEAL) Fly like an eagle… on over yonder to a less emotionally draining blog. For those of you who wish to stay for the ride… then buckle up!

PAZ!

Caro