I couldn’t even tell you how many times I’ve written this blog in my mind... Every day as I drive to work, make copies, watch a movie or brush my teeth I think of a good way to admit my personal failure to the world. I end up taking the mental note in my minds hand, scrunching it up, throwing it into my mental recycle bin and then quickly clicking on 'EMPTY TRASH'. I’ve tried funny approaches, sad approaches or just any approach that would get people to empathize with me and say ‘it’s ok Caro… there is always next time’. But in reality… they were all just excuses.
For the past three months I have been completely and utterly off the wagon… I have been struggling for the past 5 to be honest. I haven’t been training for the past 2. I see the countdown clock on my desktop every morning and it only adds to my internal anguish. This competition is now a month away and I have to honestly say I am not even 0.001% ready. It’s true, I’m not where I was a year ago… but I’m not where I should be… where I hoped and planned to be by now. The truth is I can see what is happening… I see myself going back to my old tendencies. I know what needs to be done… the actions that need to be taken in order for me to achieve what I want to achieve. Yet, I can’t bring myself to doing it. I have so many people that believe in me. So much love and support! So why can’t I feed on that? Why can’t that be the fuel that ignites my fire… that calms my anxiety? Why can’t I figure this out? And while we are at it… why do fools fall in love?
A couple of months ago there was a boy… long story short there were new and unidentified feelings for me… things I didn’t know how to handle. It ended, I cried, my heart was semi broken. This situation was the catalyst for soooo many other emotional realizations… things I thought had been dealt with but obviously haven’t been. Then something happened. A door opened as that chapter in my life closed. A door to all these feelings and insecurities and emotions that had been shoved into seclusion ever since I was a kid, it was actually more like a hidden labyrinth now that I think about it. My best friend told me I was sad because I was mourning something that had been a part of me for so long. It makes so much sense. Still… now that I have stitched my heart up and am steadily navigating through these 15 foot labyrinth walls while taking on my hang ups with my shinny new Hantori Hanso sword … why am I still in this funk? Is this what those depression commercials with the ladies in those hideous gray sweats refer to? Should I go out and buy some grey sweats? No actually, I think I’ll stick to my Tinkerbell PJ’s thank you very much!
I keep thinking I need change in my life… but I know I have to be the one to instigate that change. I will not be competing in next months Tri…and I am sorry if I let my brother, my friends or my family down…. but it’s not something I am giving up on. This will happen. I will make it happen. I have faith in that. I just need to figure out where those fucking bootstraps are so I can yank on those motherfuckers!
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