Tabula Rasa...

Yesterday we found out that my cousin (more like my sister) is going to have a girl! I was so excited… I can just imagine all the spoiling that will occur. My niece Mel is now almost 10 years old so getting to spoil a tiny little baby is so exciting. Don’t be alarmed by that impetuous and extremely loud tick-tock you hear, it’s just my biological clock trying to kick start. The reality is I’m just not ready for my own little offspring, but the thought of nurturing ones that I can return to their parents as soon as they start to poop, puke and cry is so sweet and adorable to me.

As I was walking the toy section at Target trying to find didactic toys for little baby girl’s big brother, Peter, I started to imagine what she would look like, will her personality be anything like her brother’s, will she look more like her dad than our family? Then an overwhelming thought crept into my head and it’s what my great-grandma used to tell me, that girls will always suffer more than boys. I was the only one of the new generation who got to spend the most time with my great-gran, by the way. She was a firecracker that one. She was always so loving and tender. I feel lucky to have gotten 5 whole years of her company. My cousins didn’t get to build memories with her and that’s a huge shame for them. Anyway, back to the overwhelming thought… I realized this baby girl gets to start off fresh and all I want to do is help her parents protect her… I realized… how hard bringing me up must have been for my mother. I was a tough kid to raise. I was challenging and hard headed and rude and temperamental. I never did anything the easy way. Never! I got kicked out of so many schools, made her spend so much money on tuitions, got into so much trouble because of my problems with authority.

Now, that’s not to say I was juvenile delinquent either… but I just wasn’t easy to live with. My mom and my brother put up with a lot! And I do mean A LOT of shit! So all this got me to thinking about what I would say to my younger self. The 11 year old girl who was starting to form into the 30 year old woman I am today and here is what I came up with:

Hey little Caro,

I know things seem kind of crazy right now; mom has been talking about leaving the States and moving back to Colombia. I know you cry at night because you will miss your school and your friends. You were so looking forward to moving into the new school to start your 6th grade adventure. Believe me kid, its not that important. In a couple of years you are going to find a school where you will feel like you belong. The experience will be unforgettable and you will be so grateful you got to live it outside the US. It will make you appreciate life better.

I know you are angry now and you have never been able to deal with that anger because Mom and Dad have always been kind of closed off. It doesn’t mean you have to be like them. Dad was wrong for distancing himself from you and his decision will take a toll on your love life as an adult… you will eventually start a path of forgiveness with him, but if you can… try to start it now. You have to be the bigger person and you will be doing this in many aspects of your life so just open yourself up to it now. He did what he knew how to do and it hurts, but in the long run you weren’t born to live by his side. He is a great man and does great things for the world… but he never got the love he deserved growing up, so try to understand him too. Once you get closer to him you will open yourself up to finding the right man in your life... your Prince Eric. *SIGH*

I know mom is pretty hard on you right now; she treats you like an adult even though all you want to be is a kid. In about five years she will realize all the mistakes she has made when it comes to being your mother… try to listen to her when she asks you for forgiveness… it will save you so much time in the whole journey of finding yourself. I know that when she says things you don’t want to listen because they come from her… but guess what, most of the time she is right!!! In the future she will be one of your best friends and you will treasure each moment you get to sit up with her and talk about your day.

Because of the way mom treats you, you will turn around and be very very hard on your little brother. It’s not his fault. He is just a little kid who looks up to you whether you believe it or not. Soon you will find that even though you are the bigger sister you feel protected when he is around… especially when you are scared and you don’t know why. Treat him well… he is probably one of the longest relationships you will have in your life. After mom is gone you will still have each other, so try to be nice. Please!

I know it seems like its you against the world sometimes, kiddo… but trust me when I tell you, you will find the people who will be your friends for life. You will meet a man who understands you the way no other human being can… you can be honest and real with him. He will help guide you through adulthood the way Mom tried to guide you through your childhood. He will become like family to you and you will cherish him. He will be your true friend! Not to mention that you will realize, that the people you need the most are the ones who are already in your life… the people who have grown up along with you. They will be your biggest support system. The ones who know you at your best, but most importantly at your worst… they love you not because of you attributes, but despite your flaws. Those are the people who will honor the loyalty you are always willing to give.

Others will come and go and you will learn from them, as well as teach them… but be very careful because there will be people who are going to try and break you. You are a very special girl, Caro. There aren’t many like you out there. I know mom and Grandma tell you this all the time... but it’s so true. You will find people who admire you and people who just want to see you fail. Do not let them take your light away from you. And when they get close enough to do so… don’t close your heart up all the way. That would only mean they have won. Don’t believe people when they tell you art is a waste of time. Do it! Do what makes you happy! Only you can hold yourself back. Keep sculpting, keep painting, keep dancing, keep dreaming… even Mom is wrong when she says you need to find a real vocation… that IS your real vocation!!!

Most importantly… just live! Open your heart to all that the world has to offer. Be willing to give all that love you have to others. Don’t let your heart forget how to love freely. You are not a selfish person so don’t let the actions of others make you believe that that is the right way to be… it goes against your nature and you know it! You are right to stand your ground when you decide not to do drugs or other things just to fit in… don’t ever second guess your decision… you are the one who is in the right.

Ok little Caro… let me wrap this up because I am sure you are dying to get back to watching Saved by the Bell… Mark Paul Gosselaar is still hot in the future by the way, so WooHoo!!! Keep being a kid… that is how we will always be despite the reasonability that comes with being an adult… you will always be a kid on the inside… that will be one of your best attributes and it’s how you will survive the craziness that is life!

Love,

Future Caro

P.S.: Try not to eat out of boredom… please!!!