I'll have a new post up today...

Wait for it... waaaaaiiit for it...

Chill bitches, its coming! <3

Me? A reality show? Is it gonna be humiliating? Fine, where do I sign up?

So, by now a lot of you have seen my episode of SYL, heck I even got recognized at Wal-Mart, HE-EY! All joking aside I must admit this has been a whirlwind experience… I had a small group of family and friends over to watch the premier of my episode and it was so much fun! We laughed, we cried and then we hugged it out, bitch! But let me tell you about a couple of things you didn’t get to see on TV!

Since I have a couple of points I want to talk to you about… I am making this behind the scenes blog a multi entry type of deal, here’s the first part.

#1 THE INTERVENTION!
First of all… who goes “candy shopping”??? I love how Charles goes “I happen to know that Caro and her mom will be candy shopping today”. What? When have I ever done that? Seriously, it’s hilarious! What really happened was that my mother was aware of the fact that I had been cast on the show and with the help of the lovely Geraldine (one of the associate producers of the show) she came up with this elaborate scheme to get me over to the Fresh Market where we were allegedly “candy shopping”.

My intervention was on a Friday, the Wednesday prior to that my mom got a call from Geraldine telling her I had been cast and that she would be coming by later on that day, hopefully when I wasn’t around, to go over some details. I was downstairs when my mother got the phone call, so when I came upstairs I noticed my Ma was looking at me with that doe eyed I’m-so-proud-of-you look only a mother can give you (clue #1), so instantly I was like… “What’s wrong?!”. Since I was scheduled to have a meeting with the executive producers of SYL that coming Friday, she told me she just had a feeling everything was gonna go great for me. Mhmm.

Come Friday morning I wake up bright eyed and bushy tailed for my supposed interview with the executive producers of the show. I take my time getting ready, too. I washed my hair, put on my make up and picked out the right clothes, all the while being surrounded by cute animated woodland creatures and the slight hint of Ariel’s voice singing in the back ground (the melody she sings when Ursula is taking away her voice, not the one about the "treasures" in her "cavern"). Then, 90 minutes before my meeting, I get a phone call from my cousin Dianna… her car broke down while she was getting some stuff for her boss and she needed to get back to the hospital immediately. I called my uncles, my cousin; even my aunt and they were all “busy”. Hell, my aunt didn’t even bother to answer, so it was once again up to me to come to the rescue! I was PISSED! Instantly my bright Disney-esque morning started gathering clouds in the horizon. My mom offered to come with me so I would clam down. As I was walking out the door my Grandma goes… “Why don’t you wear something other than those flip-flops?” (clue #2). I said bye and shut the door.

I waited in the car for about 5 minutes and started honking the horn for my mother to hurry up, she came down with a back pack and when I asked her what the hell that was for she couldn’t give me a straight answer (clue #3), I was so frustrated I didn’t even care at that point. The whole drive from my house to Aventura I was bitching about how people only call me when they need me, how today was an important day for me, how I better not be late or they will ALL have hell to pay, etc… then I remembered that the week before Dianna had been in a minor car accident and she had a rental… why wasn’t the rental company picking her up and resolving this issue, this made me even more frustrated! About halfway there, my phone rings and it turned out to be my brother, I was so happy to hear from him that my mood instantly lit up. I noticed my mom was being kind of cryptic… I guess she wanted to tell him but obviously couldn’t and since we didn’t know when we would hear from him again… it was a bitter sweet moment for her. As soon as my Ma hangs up my cell, my aunt calls me and says… “Hey, don’t forget to put on some lipstick.” (Clue #4) That was the least of my worries at that point.

We finally make it to the Fresh Market and my mother’s cell rings; it was “Dianna” telling her to come inside for a bite to eat. Um… wasn’t this bitch in a rush? We get inside and my mother starts wondering aimlessly around the store, as if this was her first time off the farm and into the big city… so I kept walking behind her saying things like, “MA! What is wrong with you? Now is not the time!” all while scoping the store for Dianna. Once I went around the third time I called her and this is how the conversation went down:

Dianna: Hello?
Caro: Dude, where the “F” are you?
Dianna: (Silence)
Caro: HELLLLOOOO?
Dianna: Uh… where are you?
Caro: I’m in the store… Where are YOU?
Dianna: By the pharmacy (CLICK)

Yes, that trollop just went ahead and hung up on me! There is no Pharmacy at Fresh Market (Clue #5), so I went to the cashier and asked where there was a pharmacy in that shopping center, she looked at me like I was crazy. At this point my mom had made her way to the candy section of the store. I saw her from where I was standing, which was by the front door, so I started gesturing for us to leave and she just stood there by a girl with a sample tray full of candy. As if she had NEVER in her life seen free candy… it was so odd. She kept waving for me to come over while I kept madly gesturing NO! This exchange continued for about a minute until I finally went over. I stood there looking at her and said hi to the candy girl (who turned out to be Geraldine), then my mom goes “Coje” which means “take some” in Spanish... the funny thing is you can actually hear her saying it on the show!!! So I finally gave in and took a candy sample and that’s when Charles and the crew ambushed me.

I have to tell you, it was such an overwhelming moment! Not only did I know this was one of those moments where your life is about to change, and I mean really change, because we are constantly changing and evolving, but those are very subtle changes. This was one of these life altering moments, a moment where I knew there was going to be a before and an after, so while Charles was talking… I was playing back everything that had happened that morning, the whole sequence of events that had taken place in order for me to end up at that store, and at that moment I felt something I had never felt before, overwhelming love. I realized how elaborate the plan had been, how they were all in on it and how they each did their part to make sure I was surprised. How my Ma had to put so many pieces into play in order to fool me, which isn’t an easy task. How she had probably called my cousin Jules to get my best friend Jesus’ number so he could tell her where that Fresh Market was. How Jesus’ had called his niece (and my friend) Ani so she could give my Ma the directions, because Ani’s just better at that (that’s something Jesus would say). How Dianna had to think on her feet, even though I probably made her nervous. How my Grandmother wanted me to wear nicer shoes, so I would look my best. How my aunt didn’t want me to look pale on T.V., just in case the love of my life happened to watch the show. But most importantly, how had he called 20 minutes earlier, my Ma would’ve been able to share our joy with my brother.

So, yes for those of you who have written to me and told me how genuine my reaction seemed… it’s because it was! I was so surprised. I never thought I would be caught off guard… they all did a great job. I get teary eyed remembering it. Such an amazing moment in my life!!!

Next blog: #2 The “TWAlet” paper debacle of 2008. Patsy, Jesus and I gorge on candy.

I want to save your life, Caro!

Check back later today for my episode review!

Wakey, wakey, eggs and bakey!

One of the hardest things for me my ENTIRE life has been waking up early. It is like torture! When I was a kid every morning was like one of those UFC fights with my mom when she came into my room letting me know it was time for school. Tears were shed, hair was pulled, asses were whooped… every… morning! She would make me go to sleep extra early so that I would be “ready” to wake up on time, she gave me chamomile before bed so I would be well rested and relaxed in the morning, and she would take us to parks after school so we could get so exhausted we would pass out early thus waking up eager… nothing worked. One day she took me to this new age flower child therapist friend of hers and the woman said that maybe at birth I had been pulled from the comfort of my mother’s womb too soon or traumatically and THAT’S why waking up is sooo hard. Yeah. I don’t know. I’m almost 30 now (eeek) and I still have a hate/hate relationship with my alarm clock. I spoke to a doctor recently and she told me it takes 21 days to break a habit. In 21 days the body no longer needs that habit, so the mind starts to discard it from its thought process. Sounds interesting, right? My logic is... if in 21 days you get rid of an old habit, then you form a new (hopefully better) one to replace it. So what I need to do is FORM a new habit. Well, I am willing to give it a try. Starting tomorrow I am going to start my 21 days of waking up at 5:30 a.m. so I can go to the gym before work, the way I’m supposed to. Let’s see if this lasts longer then the time I tried to do the master cleanse… I got four hours into it and then just poured that devil juice down the drain! Wish me luck!

Only 4 days to go

The good people over at WEtv and SYL asked me to write a couple of blogs about my experience on this interesting journey....


Entry 1: Give me a place to ‘run’ and I can move the world...

So it’s been a week since Charles and the cameras left. I feel like a completely different person… I talked to an old friend a couple of nights ago and he told me he also felt like he was talking to a different person because I told him more about myself in the three-hour conversation we had then in the last six years. It’s weird how freeing it is to actually be vulnerable with the ones you love. I’m not saying I feel capable of being this vulnerable when any Joe Blow on the street, but its cool to give the people you love ( and who love you) a little bit of insight as to why you’ve acted the way you’ve acted in the past. He told me it made him understand so many things about me. The most interesting thing was how he started to open up to me about his own battle with being overweight. The more open and genuine I was the more he opened up.

I feel like this show came at such a pivotal time in my life because I am ready to change my life and I feel like so many people around me will benefit from this experience. It wasn’t easy to get to this point and it wasn’t a coincidence either. I feel like everything that is happening to me right now was a long time coming and it was Oprah’s definition of luck: "Opportunity meeting Preparation." There was a point in my life where I hit rock bottom. I was depressed and even suicidal. I was about to lose my home (TWICE). I had alienated my closest friends. I wasn’t communicating with my family. I lost my beloved dog…and that’s when everything started to unfold. I realized that the world wasn’t at fault…I was! It took two-and-a-half years after I hit that bottom for me to crawl back up and be ready for this opportunity. It took a lot of self evaluation, a lot of tears and confronting so many fears I didn’t even know existed...but here I am.

I get up every morning so ready to GO! There are times when my old self tries to creep in and make me feel lazy… but I look at how far I have come and so much I have been able to heal, that it makes no sense for me not to give it all I have. The first 20 minutes of every workout are dreadful but once that 36-minute mark hits I feel like I can go another hour or so. Even when I do my workouts with the trainers, I leave feeling like I could go run a couple of miles. Whenever I feel like quitting I think about that triathlon and I remind myself that none of those people are quitters and if I want to join their ranks I need to “man” up, and I keep going. I think about the tri-athletes who compete (and finish) with a missing limb and it feels like a waste of a healthy body not to try. I feel so much stronger, tougher and agile then I did a week ago ( Inside and out! ) and it’s the most amazing feeling in the world… its like a door to this new dimension has opened up and the funny thing is it was right in front of me the whole time! Now there are new experiences at every turn and the possibilities are endless...

Peace,
Caro

Entry 2: Tough long road vs. the quicker fix (or so they think)…

I recently befriended a girl who was morbidly obese in her late teens. Her mother forced her to get a gastric bypass because she feared her daughter would die. It was so interesting to find a thin person who understood my battle with that urge to eat in order to feel comforted. I started telling her how since I started the show I have this unknown internal voice that screams at me every time I wanted to get out of control. It’s the only way I can stop myself from eating something I enjoy. It’s the only way I’ve been able to resist even looking at a pizza pie. You see…I know very well that the moment I bite into that first slice I’m going to want to eat the whole pie!!! I know better and I know I shouldn’t but I still don’t trust myself to stop after that first slice. Is this how junkies feel? Seriously… is it? It’s a horrible feeling, let me tell you!

Anyway, through this new friendship of mine I realized how important it is to be mentally ready to make a change, whether you are an over eater, an alcoholic or a drug-addict. If you are not mentally willing to stop, you will always have that nasty urge and you might never get over it, you will most likely relapse time and again. I went to a party with my new found friend and of course the temptation that is the food table instantly made me start that now familiar battle with myself. That’s where the new little voice came into play (maybe I should see a shrink) as I was scouting the table for what I wanted to eat and what I actually could eat, I started to eliminate the potatoes salads with all their mayo glory, the hummus with its crunchy pita chips, the chocolate dip that called out to me like one of those enchanted sirens who called out to Hercules (SIGH). I served myself some green salad and two turkey burgers (no bread) and when I was done I was satisfied, not only my hunger but also emotionally, I felt proud for having resisted the temptation. I must admit I did eat half a brownie. But my friend served herself everything that she could get her hands on. She had a look of desperation on her face… that’s when I realized… were she to have the surgery reversed she would gain the 160 lbs she previously lost, in a matter of months if not weeks. She obviously wasn’t able to eat the whole mountain of food she had on her plate, but she sure did try. She ended up with a horrible stomach ache. I wonder if she will ever deal with the reason why food is comforting for her or why she has the urge to keep eating even when she is in pain.

I know I’ve said this in the past and at the risk of sounding repetitive, this is why I am so grateful for this opportunity. I know exactly why I ate to comfort myself and when I see myself trying to hide behind those feelings or tendencies I pull myself out of it because now my life has a new purpose and I do not need to fall back. I have had times where I might have eaten one too many fudgesicles, but I have learned that I have to forgive myself for when I have a setback… because I am worth it! If I don’t care enough about myself to get over a small hurdle like that then who will?

P.S: I’m not knocking the gastric bypass or surgeries of that nature; I just think people should go through all the necessary mental counseling before they go through with it.

Love,
Caro

Entry 3: It takes a village to get me in a wetsuit (or it used to)…

When I set out to do a triathlon I never thought the whole process was going to be so intimidating. Apart from having to get my body up to par with the fitness a challenge like that requires I now have to start getting in mental shape. For instance, my eternal fear of making a fool of myself, I wouldn’t be able to explain this fear to you guys since I am the silliest person I know. Well, honestly I sometimes come off as super serious but once people get to know me they discover the silliness that is the real Caro…so anyway back to the swimming, biking and running all while wearing what seems to me like extremely unflattering/tight clothes. It’s funny that what intimidates me is the fact that I might not look as good as Dara Torres looks in a swimsuit and not the fact that I might fall off my bike at high speeds and shatter my teeth. Or maybe the possibility of twisting an ankle/knee while running. Not one of those things scare me…it’s the self consciousness of having to bare wobbly parts in public. These types of insecurities are what have stopped me from doing most of the things I have dreamed of doing in my life… BUT NO MORE, I say!

Do you know how much it took to get me in a swimsuit and a wetsuit for the show? It was an hour of struggling, not only with that wretched wet suit in the ghastly humidity of Miami, but also struggling with my urge to run away and hide under my bed. The thought of having to walk out in a suit that accentuates all my bumps and rolls was intimidating… mind you I wasn’t thinking about the thousands, nay, millions of people who watch WE tv (had I thought about it at the time I would’ve passed out) I was thinking about the 10 people from the crew who would be the audience to my exit from that dressing room (it was actually a stinky bathroom). They were the nicest people in the world so I really don’t know why I was stressing. I have to admit once it was over I felt a little silly for stressing over something so petty…or so I though! Three days later they asked to don a bathing suit! This time the little protection I felt from the miles and miles of material that covered my body when I wore the wet suit were gone. Now I had to bare even more in front of a national audience AND the crew. Wearing triathlete garb can’t be as bad as that, right?

Hoping for the best,

Caro

The countdown begins!!!

My episode of I WANT TO SAVE YOUR LIFE airs THIS saturday @ 10pm on WEtv!!! Dont miss it.... Also, tune in to this blog on Monday for a behind the scenes summery of what REALLY happened ;)

An ode to the Body...

This morning I woke up to CNN reporting about the first facial transplant in the US. The woman’s name is Connie Culp… in the press conference she said “I’m not a monster”. After everything she has been through she is just grateful to have a nose again, to be able to drink coffee from a cup. Drink coffee from a cup… how often have we taken that for granted? After her conference was over I changed the channel and walked over to the sink to brush my teeth, I looked in the mirror at all the flaws and imperfections I notice and point out to myself everyday, and suddenly they were gone. Left behind was a body and a face full of life…full of beauty. A body covered with the scars of a life's worth of overindulgence, but a body humble enough to keep on beating, to keep on breathing. It’s the body that lets me swim, run, kick, tackle, stretch, MOVE!!! It’s a body that gives pleasure and is overwhelmed with pleasure when caressed correctly. These stitched up knees, chin and forehead reflect the battle scars of a happy and overactive childhood. The legs I sometimes say are too short, are the legs that let me get to where I want or need to be. They respond with harder kicks every time I freak out in the swimming pool because I think I’m going to be devoured by a sea monster in 15 feet of chlorinated water. These are the arms that get to hug my brother when he comes home ( and punch him when he has stayed for too long and starts to annoy me) these are the arms that got to hold my nephew Peter before anyone else (except his mom) while he was still warm from his mommy’s womb…. These arms, stretch marks, batwings and all. There is no way to express how grateful I felt to this body this morning, grateful for putting up with years of mal nutrition and mindless abuse and still having the capability of responding so effectively to change. Sure, most parts are still very flabby and fat… but everyday it gets stronger and stronger and shows me its gratitude by letting me achieve new physical goals. Mine is a body full of perfection!